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An emergency landing

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

What was the problem before?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Conversations that passengers normally don't hear. The following are
accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
The airline names have been deleted. 

While taxiing the crew of  flight 2771 departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with Flight 381a B727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the 2771 Air crew, screaming: "Flight  2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's very difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect your progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, Flight 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of Flight 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"


The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty-do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger that, ....... give me four thousand dollars' worth."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "Flight 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Flight 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Flight 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well, ... I've got something down there, but ... I can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Flight 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Flight 635: "Flight 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
 

O'Hare Approach Control: "Flight 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." Flight 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight." 

Submitted by:
MARK MEENAN
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07/06/2006 03:51 PM